From Two to Three
She was right about everything. My cousin Nakita said having a baby would change my day to day including your relationship. The first few months took a plunge quickly. What I thought was to be the honeymoon stage, you know new baby, new outlook on life, and finally a family in the making.
About half of couples become dissatisfied with their relationship within three years of having a child, according to research from the Gottman Relationship Institute in Seattle. However, mine happen within four months. It's no wonder: Sleepless nights, raging hormones, little time for talks or sex -- they all unite to forge a divide between you and your spouse, they say. I couldn’t understand why this was happening. So, we took a step back and decided to just focus on our son.
Your relationship after baby may not be the fairy tale you envisioned. (Some days it may feel more like the Battle Field, and your inclined to finish him!) But I had to remember that bonds formed in battles are strong, and although having a baby can indeed change everything, amazing things can happen when you learn how to change together.
It took some time, almost 2 years to be exact but we managed to find our way back to each other. It wasn’t a walk-in park, but a start. The first step, building our friendship. Without a strong friendship in your relationship, not only will you see a decline in your satisfaction, but your relationship will likely have difficulty weathering the storms that may lie ahead (Tornadoes to exact.)
Having a new baby is a busy time. The changes in my life brought temporary conflict and chaos to my relationship, but by using our friendship as our strong foundation, we found that our relationship in fact became stronger as we made the transition from two to three.
The importance of scheduling quality time alone must become a priority. This is still tough. I can not remember the last time we had some quality time to enjoy each other alone. This isn’t a bad thing because we have our children all the time. But we indeed need to make us a priority. I learned the rule of expressing the 3 A’s: appreciation, affection, and admiration. This means expressing affection to my partner during very ordinary moments and recognizing the positive aspects of one another’s personality. I had to stop looking for mistakes. Couples can really strengthen their friendship by making a point of expressing the love and admiration they have for one another.
We aren’t alone. I spoke with a few couples and I found out that after their baby, the passion and romance dissolve in their relationship as well. I fondly remember dating but wonder whether we will ever have times like that again (my thoughts exactly.) The small bids for connection are the secret to romance and intimacy.
So, I am changing all that this year!
What you say to each other can make you feel cared for and keep your relationship strong even when stress is in the full force. For men, saying thank you makes them feel appreciated, respected, and trusted and I’ll be sure to express myself to my better half. And women, all we want to know that we’re loved, so showing affection or even a sweet text can convey that. We will be dropping the kids off at grandma’s house for a night or have a few babysitters on call, so we can have a night on town and not the couch (lol).
I Love the space we’re and the road we’re on, for it took plenty of wrong turns, dead ends and what we thought were short cuts, but in the end, there are no short cuts in life and the journey to get the destination will always be appreciated more.